This is a rewrite of a blog I wrote in 2013 while preparing to hike the AT. It appears today on the AT Expert Advice Facebook page.
At this time of year, some hikers are counting down the days, dying to get started. The question is, How are you not gonna go crazy in the time you have left? Wouldn’t you rather have something to do to stay busy?
Then there’s those people would love to thru hike the AT, but just can’t find the time or the money to do it when they want. There has to be an alternative to a 30-year section hike or having to wait until retirement.
Well there is an alternative, at least an imaginary one.
Maybe it’s time to think outside the hiker box and solve the dilemma for those waiting patiently or impatiently to thru hike the AT.
Here’s a tongue-in-cheek look at one possibility.
If you can’t hike the AT for real, how about doing it on line? You could make it legit with reading assignments, quizzes and simulated practical exercises right in your own backyard.
Let’s envision what the AT hiking course on line might be like. Cue the dream sequence music….
Imagine it’s late winter. You’ve registered, and are ready to begin. You log into the website: www. noRain-noPain-noMaine .com It tells you to come back, but you must use your smart phone.
Lesson One: Communications:
Find a cell phone provider that radiates one bar in your area. That will simulate the reception you’ll get on the trail.
On that phone, read a dozen blogs every day and check Facebook as often as possible. Fill out the quiz you will receive via email by typing long answers with your phat thumbs. You get bonus points for doing it while standing in the rain or snow.
Lesson Two: Terrain.
Later, the doorbell rings. You look out side.
Looming in your driveway is a ginormous Terex MT6300 dump truck. It carries 400 tons in a single load! This is a man’s truck. Bet your sissy Ford F-150 can’t do this.
Just your luck. Today that truck is brimming with specially sharpened and polished number 4, Pennsylvania-grade, extra-slick, hiking stones.
The MT6300 dumps a mountain right there on your driveway. Leave most of it be. It’s for practicing PUDs. But, do spread some of the extra stones over half of your yard. You’ll need those rocks to sleep and trip on for the next six months.
Dig up the other half of your yard and turn it into a swamp. Don’t forget to wet the rocks frequently and scatter the rubber snakes found in the miscellaneous parts package.
Lesson Three: Drinking water.
Find a nice mud puddle. That’s your water source.
Just a little later, a muddy brown UPS food truck delivers cases of dehydrated oatmeal, spaghetti and jars of peanut butter, tortillas, pop tarts, Snickers, and Knorr noodles with tuna. Yummy! You’re not going to starve.
Lesson Four: Environmental simulation.
This is the one time you’re allowed inside.
Put on your rain gear. Prepare a meal and go into your bathroom shower and turn on the cold water. Eat the meal while standing under the full spray. It’s also the last shower you’re ever going to get.
Lesson Five: Blogging.
Write a blog about how great the meal tasted and how much fun it was to eat it in the shower. Note how great your hike has been so far. In this lesson you get a field trip to the scenic overlook nearest you.
Obviously, the course is just warming up. With each passing weekend you sign into the next lesson with your phone and single bar of connectivity, then you hike or hitch to the post office for new training materials. Why mail? We need to simulate as much realism as possible and you need practice hoping your mail drops arrive on time.
Let’s fast forward. Weeks pass. You hike up, down and all around your rock pile for hours every day. Your feet blister. Toe nails turn black and fall off.
Best of all, other students in your area come over and together you form a trail family, make a friendly campfire every night, share your secrets, and build friendships that last forever.
Finally spring arrives.
Lesson 19: Flora and fauna.
Plant your yard full of the poison ivy you received by mail. Set out pots of stagnant water in which to grow the mosquitos and ticks. When nature calls, dig a hole.
And so it goes on endlessly, each night after work, every weekend, and through your two-week vacation. Month in and month out, in circles you march while your potty towel edges grow dull and the music on your iPod becomes monotonous.
Those special, high-quality Pennsylvania-grade rocks shred your boots. You fall and receive extra points for bending your trekking poles. Ankles and knees twist, yet you persevere endlessly onward in the rain, sleet, snow, humidity and burning summer sun. You even have to climb an extension ladder and hike over your roof a few times.
Each night you file a blog post about your wonderful experiences. Once a week, on the way to or from the post office, you stop at Mickey D’s to pig out on burgers and fries just like a hiker on the trail.
Climb to the top of your rock pile. Take a stereotypical photo with the fake cardboard Katahdin sign that came in last week’s mail. Declare victory and send in the photo for a special certificate of completion!
If you enjoyed the shower sequence and making friends, you’re qualified. Sign right up. It’s time to hike.